What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
