I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
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Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
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I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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