Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
