Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think my moral compass just broke
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
