I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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