You don't have asthma, your pregnant
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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