My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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