she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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