Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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