yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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