Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
as a side note pls kill me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
