i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I will pee on everything he values.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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