So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
His nipple licking is glorious
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