I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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