he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
