you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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