My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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