just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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