I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
