There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
