There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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