i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
