Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
