I think I died a long time ago.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
