i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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