I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
