I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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