I'd wear matching sweaters with you
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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