You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
