is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
