ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
