Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
