2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
