I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
