I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dick very happy bro
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
