You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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