I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
