These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
