Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
