Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
