apparently the secret to your success is patron
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
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We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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