im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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