My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
