my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
