Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
