Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
