When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
