there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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