"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
