my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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