speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
