I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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