Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
