I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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