i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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