Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
