I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
