1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
